Friday, February 12, 2016

Hope Sucks

Journal Entry from 2011 (It's always fun to look back at crazy ramblings)

The light above my head literally went out this morning.

Birds woke me up about 4:30am, and my first thought was the need for a pellet gun. I catch spiders in Tupperware and set them free outside, so having my first waking thought be of terrorizing innocent little creatures was more than a little disconcerting. I stayed in bed for about 90 minutes, simply not wanting to face the day.

The squeaky cat was intent on being fed, so I finally got up and went to make coffee. Turned on the kitchen light, and as I stood beneath it, the bulb burst. An ominous sign for the day.

It’s been a difficult year. I had such high hopes this would be the most amazing year. The church was supposed to be under control, time to create, a relationship that is more fulfilling than anything I could have imagined.

The church is not under control. I cannot tolerate when people intentionally create chaos and turmoil, especially when we are in an environment that is supposed to be Spirit filled and mission oriented. I did not go into ordained ministry to send emails and sit in meetings and listen to selfish bitching, and that is about all I do.  It is depressing, and there is no end in sight. I’m attempting to accept that this is my present reality and move forward as best I can, but it’s becoming overwhelmingly depressing.  

And it is overwhelmingly depressing about 70 hours a week. Which leaves no time or energy for anything else. And I know: “set boundaries; you can’t do it all; take care of yourself” but it just doesn’t work that way sometimes.  Everything for worship has to get put together. Emails and calls have be dealt with.  Drama has to be confronted.  This summer (2011) I took over from a pastor who was at the church for 22 years, and the transition has been terribly difficult for everyone.  

And even when I can do meaningful ministry, the negativity does not stop. Several times a week I provide lunch to the homeless through a coordinated program that provides nearly 800 lunches each week. But there is never enough, and the chips are not the right flavor, and the water isn’t cold enough, we were three minutes late or started too early. It's never something I do for praise, but it would be nice to not get bitched at constantly. 

The more I do and the more I give, the more crap I get for it. And yet that is part of the calling: not giving up, not walking away for a more comfortable life.  Having hope that it will get better, hope that God can be found in every situation, hope that this might be the year the Rockies win it all. Hope.

Being driven by hope sucks because there is always hope, and thus no excuse to give up. When you live in hope, you live in a world of endless possibilities and have to keep seeking them.

And the people said……oh hell.

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